Unqualified Tourist Steps In, Confident He Can Fix Everythingy
A long-standing property dispute between two feuding neighbors looks set to be resolved after a well-tanned American tourist offered to mediate while on holiday at a luxury beach resort.
The dispute, which has dragged on for three years, began when Vladimir Putin started claiming large sections of his neighbor’s property, insisting that historically, parts of it had always belonged to him and that the boundary lines were “never really clear anyway.”
His neighbor, Volodymyr Zelensky, has consistently refused, arguing that he owns the deeds, he lives there, and—most importantly—it’s his house.
Despite multiple attempts at mediation, including involvement from local authorities, homeowners’ associations, and third-party negotiators, the two have remained locked in a bitter standoff—until now.
A Surprise Arbitrator Appears
The situation took an unexpected turn when a well-dressed American tourist, known for his background in real estate and deal-making, encountered Putin at the holiday resort. The two men were reportedly bonding over cocktails, shared grievances about “disloyal tenants,” and their mutual belief that they should have won more awards.
Witnesses say that after hearing about Putin’s frustrations with the property dispute, the American offered to step in as a neutral mediator, boasting:
“Nobody knows property law better than me. Nobody.”
When pressed on his credentials, he added:
“I’ve closed some of the biggest real estate deals in history. The biggest. Very successful.”
Putin, eager to finally secure his neighbor’s property, readily agreed. Zelensky, upon learning of this new development, was reportedly less enthusiastic.
The Proposed Compromise
After what sources describe as a meticulous five-minute review of the situation, the American tourist presented a bold compromise, which included:
✅ Putin gets all the land he currently occupies, plus a little extra as a “win-win incentive.”
✅ Zelensky gets to say he fought hard, which, according to the mediator, is “basically the same as winning.”
✅ The mediator secures exclusive development rights to build “a tremendous, world-class resort” on the property, featuring a golf course, spa, and possibly a casino.
The plan was described by its creator as “a tremendous deal—really one of the best deals ever negotiated.”
“Not a Condo, Not for Sale”
When Zelensky was presented with the offer, sources say he looked at the mediator in silence for a full ten seconds before calmly explaining that his house is not, in fact, a luxury condo development.
Undeterred, the American suggested that perhaps Zelensky “just let him take the parts you don’t really use.”
“Look, maybe you don’t need the whole thing,” he explained. “Maybe just let him have the backyard. Or a small city. Not a big one. A nice little one.”
When asked how this would benefit Zelensky, the mediator responded, “You’d be very popular in certain circles.”
Putin Declares Victory, Mediator Takes a Bow
Despite no formal agreement, Putin has already declared the dispute resolved in his favor, citing “strong, reasonable negotiations” and describing the mediator as “a man with a deep understanding of historical claims.”
The mediator, meanwhile, has described his intervention as “a historic success”, later telling guests at the resort:
“Tremendous negotiation just happened. Probably saved the neighborhood. Everyone’s saying it.”
Zelensky, when asked for comment, reportedly sighed, rubbed his temples, and walked away.
As of press time, the mediator was last seen attempting to negotiate a discount on his hotel stay, citing
his ongoing role in “global stability efforts.”
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