“It tastes like genius,” says influencer after $50,000 brain infusion
In a shocking new wellness craze, Hollywood elites and social media influencers are reportedly ingesting pieces of Albert Einstein’s brain in an attempt to boost their IQ and achieve a higher state of intelligence, wisdom, and unbearable smugness.
The trend, known as “Neurobites”, began in exclusive Silicon Valley biohacking circles but has now spread to A-list celebrities desperate to stand out in an industry where a MasterClass subscription just isn’t enough anymore.
Einstein’s Brain: A Luxury Superfood?
Albert Einstein’s brain was famously removed and preserved after his death in 1955, initially for scientific study. However, recent leaks suggest that small fragments of his gray matter have been sold on the dark web, repackaged as a “premium cognitive enhancement supplement.”
According to one source inside a high-end Beverly Hills “brain bar”, a single gram of Einstein’s brain can sell for upwards of $250,000, with buyers claiming that consuming even the smallest amount leads to heightened problem-solving skills, deeper philosophical insight, and an insufferable urge to correct people online.
Which Celebrities Are Doing It?
While most stars refuse to comment publicly, several high-profile figures have displayed signs of Einstein-brain consumption.
• Kanye West recently claimed he could now “see the curvature of time itself” and insisted his next album must be measured in equations, not beats.
• Gwyneth Paltrow launched a limited-edition Einstein Brain & Bone Broth through Goop, describing it as “a powerful nootropic with subtle notes of walnut and regret.”
• Elon Musk has begun speaking in long, indecipherable equations during Tesla earnings calls, with insiders revealing he now only communicates via chalkboard.
One anonymous source from a secret Hollywood “IQ Lounge” revealed that celebrity conversations have become unbearable since the trend began.
“They’re all quoting quantum mechanics at brunch,” she sighed. “Nobody just gossips anymore. It’s all ‘the dual nature of light’ this and ‘spooky action at a distance’ that. I miss when people just talked about their failed marriages.”
How Are They Eating It?
Celebrities aren’t just consuming Einstein’s brain raw. The super-rich have found increasingly bizarre ways to prepare it, including:
• Brain Smoothies – Blended with matcha and lion’s mane mushrooms for an extra IQ kick.
• Microdosing Brain Capsules – Encapsulated and taken daily, marketed as “Homeopathy for Morons.”
• Neuro-Infused Cocktails – Served at exclusive afterparties, reportedly causing “transcendental mansplaining.”
• Brain-Boosting IV Drips – Directly injected into the bloodstream at LA wellness spas for “instant enlightenment.”
The Shocking Truth: It’s Mostly Not Einstein’s Brain
As demand skyrockets, investigative reports have revealed that the majority of “Einstein’s brain” on the market is not, in fact, Einstein’s at all.
While a small amount of authentic Einstein brain matter may have been leaked, the sheer volume of product being sold suggests that most of it is “mystery brain,” sourced from less illustrious origins.
Leaked lab reports indicate a disturbing mix of black-market brain tissue, including:
• Unclaimed cadavers from medical schools
• Random 19th-century scientists nobody’s heard of
• Possibly a few podcasters
• One suspicious batch labeled simply “Jeff”
Experts warn that some batches have even been found to contain non-human brain matter, leading to concerns that users may start displaying unexpected behaviors, such as extreme hoarding or an unusual urge to bury things in the garden.
Medical Experts Are Horrified
Leading neurologists have condemned the practice, warning that eating Einstein’s brain will not make you smarter, only deeply unwell.
“It’s pure nonsense,” said Dr. Alan Stryker, an expert in cognitive science. “Consuming another person’s brain tissue does nothing for intelligence. At best, it’s placebo. At worst, it’s a biological horror show.”
However, many celebrities remain unfazed, with some insisting that even if it’s not all Einstein’s brain, the ‘energy’ of his genius is still infused into the process.
“I don’t care whose brain it is,” said one anonymous A-lister. “If it makes me feel smarter, I’ll eat it.”
What’s Next? The “Genius Meat” Industry
With demand still rising, several biohacking start-ups are now looking to clone and mass-produce “intellectual” brain matter using lab-grown celebrity neurons.
The first test batches include:
• Neural Nuggets from Neil deGrasse Tyson – Marketed as “the thinking man’s chicken nugget.”
• Da Vinci Cognition Drops – For “Renaissance-level intellect” and unnecessary mirror writing.
• Plato’s Protein Bars – Guaranteed to make you deeply annoying at dinner parties.
Meanwhile, Einstein’s remaining brain matter could be completely consumed by the end of the year, meaning future hopefuls may have to settle for the scraps of less iconic intellectuals.
“Worst case scenario,” sighed one industry insider, “we’ll just have to start using the brains of TikTok life coaches.”
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