In an unprecedented act of reckless clout-chasing, a social media influencer has stolen Death’s scythe, plunging the world into an irreversible state of undeath.
With the Grim Reaper now functionally unemployed, hospitals, hospices, and funeral homes are in crisis as millions of people who should have died remain in perpetual agony, unable to pass on.
“Literally, what’s the big deal?” the influencer said in a now-deleted TikTok. “You guys act like you’ve never stolen a sacred artifact before.”
As outrage mounted, she doubled down, declaring herself the “CEO of Death” and promising to use her platform to “make dying cool again.”
Death Missing, Governments Panicking
With no official process for reversing mass immortality, world leaders are scrambling to restore the balance between life and death.
📢 Hospitals Overwhelmed – Medical staff report patients showing up in worse condition than ever, but instead of dying, they simply “refuse to leave.”
📢 Religious Institutions in Chaos – Major religions struggle to explain why nobody is meeting God, while atheists begin to panic at the lack of an endgame.
📢 The UN Convenes Emergency Summit – Sources suggest that their main strategy so far is “waiting to see if she gets bored and gives it back.”
One anonymous world leader described the situation as “deeply frustrating but also, let’s be honest, kind of on-brand for this era.”
Meanwhile, Death has not been seen since the incident. Some sources claim he was last spotted in a cloak, pacing outside a pawn shop. Others say he has retreated to a private Discord server, where he is reportedly seeking legal advice on whether he can sue.
Musk Reportedly Involved, Offers ‘Solution’
Amid the chaos, rumors have emerged that Elon Musk has acquired the stolen scythe, offering it back to Death in exchange for immortality.
“I don’t want to live forever,” Musk tweeted. “But I should have the option to, unlike the rest of you.”
Tesla insiders have leaked documents suggesting he is developing an AI-powered ‘Grim Reaper Alternative’, though there are concerns that it will misidentify souls and accidentally send people to Mars instead.
When asked about these rumors, the influencer dismissed them outright:
“Ugh, Elon is so embarrassing. This is MY moment.”
Public Reaction: Global Protests Under ‘LET US DIE’ Banner
With no resolution in sight, protests have erupted worldwide under the movement “LET US DIE.”
📢 One 93-year-old man in hospice, previously at peace with his fate, expressed disappointment:
“I had said my goodbyes, I had my playlist ready, and now I’m just stuck here. Forever.”
📢 A man who was hit by a train and should have perished gave a press statement, despite missing half his body:
“I don’t even have bones anymore, and yet, here I am.”
📢 Zombie rights activists have also joined the protests, furious that their cultural identity has been diluted by “unwanted immortals.”
Meanwhile, desperate governments have begun testing workarounds for the immortality crisis, including:
• Launching the undead into deep space to “see if that does anything.”
• Using corporate layoffs as an experimental method for eliminating souls.
• Encouraging meditation, hoping people might “vibe their way” into the afterlife.
The Influencer’s Next Move
Despite global outrage, the influencer remains fully committed to her brand pivot.
📢 She has launched a merch line featuring hoodies with “Death is Overrated” printed in gothic font.
📢 She has announced a YouTube docuseries titled “I Lived as the Grim Reaper for a Week—Here’s What Happened.”
📢 And in a final power move, she has begun auctioning off “Limited Edition Death Experiences” as NFTs, starting at $50,000 each.
As the world remains permanently alive, experts warn that if she acquires another divine artifact, reality itself could be at risk.
“She already has Death’s scythe,” said one nervous researcher. “If she gets her hands on Father Time’s hourglass, we’re all screwed.”
Until then, humanity has only one option: Keep on living.
This is satire, of course. The real world is nothing like that…
But if you want to see how things actually work, here are some totally real, absolutely normal links that inspired this story:
In a recent incident, American influencer Sam Jones faced widespread backlash after posting a video in which she removed a baby wombat from its mother in Australia. The footage showed Jones laughing while holding the distressed joey, with the mother wombat chasing after them. This act led to public outrage, condemnation from Australian officials, and discussions about potential legal repercussions. cadenaser.com+10people.com+10people.com+10people.com+2people.com+2apnews.com+2news.com.au+1couriermail.com.au+1
The incident has sparked debates about the responsibilities of influencers when interacting with wildlife and the potential harm caused by such actions. Australian authorities are investigating whether Jones violated visa conditions, and the public continues to express concern over the welfare of the wombats involved. people.comapnews.com+2theguardian.com+2cadenaser.com+2
Influencer Faces Backlash for Removing Baby Wombat from Its Mother
American influencer apologizes for snatching Australian baby wombat following outrage
Todaytheguardian.comBaby wombat-snatching US influencer apologises and says she was ‘concerned’ for Australian animalTodaypeople.comInfluencer Faces Backlash for Stealing a Screaming Baby Wombat from Its Mom in Controversial Video3 days ago
A Fine Selection of Satirical Amuse-Bouches:
Fast Food Giant Acquires Company That Turns Fecal Matter into Beef Patties
Airline Adjusts Terms and Conditions to Clarify Risk of Catastrophic Events Now a Simple 50/50
Stupidity to Be Recognized as a Disability, Finally Offering Protection from the Tyranny of Intelligence
Three-Year Property Dispute Nears Resolution as American Tourist Offers to Mediate
