Elon Musk, the world’s most prolific billionaire father, has revealed that he recently lost five of his children during a tour of his troubled automotive company’s new technology park, where tests were being conducted with a Tesla Vortex Wormhole Machine.
Musk, who still has more children than any other billionaire, appeared tired and emotional during a rare interview, telling reporters:
“Look, yeah, it’s unfortunate. But these things happen. People are focusing too much on the five I lost and not on the many I still have. Relative to other billionaires, I’m still ahead.”
Tesla’s Latest Disaster
The Tesla Vortex Wormhole Machine—initially pitched as a solution to urban congestion, parking inefficiency, and ‘spatial waste’—was supposed to revolutionize transportation by temporarily displacing objects into an alternative dimension. Unfortunately, an AI miscalculation during a live demo categorized five of Musk’s children as ‘non-essential mass’ and sent them into what witnesses described as “a swirling blue abyss.”
Tesla engineers scrambled to reconfigure the machine, but much like the company’s self-driving software, the children never reappeared.
Despite the devastating personal loss, Musk remained bullish about his overall child portfolio.
“Stock is down, children are down, but in the long term, both are still up compared to the competition.”
Wall Street Reacts
News of the vortex incident coincided with Tesla’s stock dropping another 12%, with analysts speculating that investors may be growing uneasy about Musk’s increasingly erratic product launches.
“It’s not a great look when your self-driving cars can’t park and your experimental tech is vaporizing your own children,” admitted one former Tesla executive. “But the cult of Musk is strong. I wouldn’t rule out a rebound.”
Musk, however, remained unfazed.
“People need to zoom out and see the big picture. Yes, Tesla’s stock has dipped. Yes, I lost some children. But I still have more of both than Bezos.”
When asked if he planned to pause testing after the incident, Musk was blunt:
“No. We’re just going to recalibrate the system so it only affects people who aren’t verified on X.”
This is satire, of course. The real world is nothing like that…
But if you want to see how things actually work, here are some totally real, absolutely normal links that inspired this story:
Elon Musk is known to have fathered 14 children with various partners. His first child, Nevada Alexander Musk, tragically passed away at 10 weeks old. Despite this loss, Musk’s remaining 13 children still surpass the number of offspring of most other billionaires. For instance, Frederick Smith, founder of FedEx, has 10 children, and Richard Schulze, founder of Best Buy, also has 10 children. vanityfair.com+4vanityfair.com+4people.com+4parade.com+3thesun.co.uk+3people.com+3m.economictimes.com
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