After much reflection and out of sheer generosity, Russian President Vladimir Putin has agreed to consider a ceasefire in Ukraine. However, to ensure lasting peace, he has outlined a set of entirely sensible conditions that Ukraine must fulfill immediately:
1. Ukraine must be renamed the ‘National Country of Stinky-Faced Buttmonsters.’
– For simplicity, Russia will refer to it as ‘Occupied Russia, District 12’ in all future maps.
2. A private audience with the original lineup of the Jackson 5.
– This is non-negotiable. Putin is a huge fan. The Kremlin has already sent invitations to the necessary parties, despite some logistical challenges.
3. One partridge in a pear tree.
– Preferably one that sings the Russian national anthem on command.
4. A goat that can juggle fruit.
– Russia demands an elite, highly trained fruit-juggling goat. Bananas, oranges, apples—Putin doesn’t care what fruit it juggles, as long as it’s impressive.
5. A lap dance from President Zelensky.
– “If we are to make peace, we must establish a strong, personal connection,” Putin explained, stuffing a handful of rubles into his belt.
6. A four-leaf clover.
– Just one, but it must be personally handpicked by Zelensky while humming the Soviet anthem.
7. A boxed, mint-condition, original Zune media player.
– The Kremlin will only accept the 30GB black model, untouched by human hands, still in its factory shrink wrap.
8. Trenty Zillion Gummy Dollars.
– Ukraine must provide this entirely legitimate currency. If it does not currently exist, Ukraine is expected to create it.
9. A new national anthem titled “Putin Won the War and We Lost.”
– All Ukrainians must sing it at dawn, every morning, while bowing toward the Kremlin.
Failure to meet any of these demands will be considered an act of war, and Russia will respond accordingly—with more generous peace offers that look suspiciously like airstrikes.
When asked whether these terms were realistic, Kremlin spokespeople assured the press: “We are being more than fair.”
This is satire, of course. The real world is nothing like that…
But if you want to see how things actually work, here are some totally real, absolutely normal links that inspired this story:
Real-World Context:
In recent developments, President Putin has expressed conditional support for a ceasefire in Ukraine, stipulating several demands:
- Withdrawal from Russian-claimed territories: Putin insists that Ukrainian forces must withdraw from regions Russia claims, including Donetsk, Luhansk, Kherson, and Zaporizhzhia, to facilitate peace negotiations. es.wikipedia.org+3en.wikipedia.org+3en.wikipedia.org+3
- Neutral status and NATO non-alignment: He demands Ukraine officially abandon plans to join NATO and adopt a neutral, non-nuclear stance. es.wikipedia.org+3en.wikipedia.org+3en.wikipedia.org+3
- Cessation of Western military aid: Putin requires guarantees that Ukraine will not receive Western military assistance during any ceasefire period. reuters.com+6theguardian.com+6theguardian.com+6
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has criticized these conditions as manipulative and obstructive to genuine peace efforts. theguardian.com
These developments highlight the complexities in negotiating a ceasefire, with Russia’s demands perceived by some as undermining Ukraine’s sovereignty and security.theguardian.com
Putin’s Ceasefire Conditions Face Global Scrutiny
Putin makes clear Russia will only play ball with Ukraine by his rules
nypost.comUS envoy Witkoff leaves Moscow without cease-fire agreement after Putin rejects Trump’s terms: ‘A lot still needs to be done’Yesterdaytheguardian.comPutin questions Ukraine ceasefire plan and sets out string of conditionsYesterday
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