Families across the country are calling for urgent reform after a growing number of patients reported unexpected partial lobotomies during routine budget dental surgery.
The issue, first flagged by anesthetized customers waking up noticeably worse at Sudoku, has led to increasing pressure on regulators, lawmakers, and anyone who still remembers how to file a complaint.
“We Just Wanted a Filling”
Many victims sought treatment at Budget Smile Dental, a low-cost clinic chain offering “premium dental care without the premium prices.” The company proudly advertises a pain-free experience, guaranteed, which is largely achieved by ensuring patients wake up with fewer active neurons.
“I went in for a root canal, and when I woke up, I couldn’t remember my own email password,” said former schoolteacher Janet Hobbs. “At first, I thought that was normal. But then my husband asked me what I wanted for dinner, and I just stared at him for three hours.”
Her case is one of thousands reported in recent months, with many patients noticing symptoms such as:
✅ Forgetting how to parallel park
✅ Increased enthusiasm for reality television
✅ Accidentally agreeing with politicians they used to hate
✅ A vague but unshakable sense that something important is missing
Authorities Respond Cautiously
Despite widespread concerns, government agencies have yet to take significant action, citing “the need for further research” into whether removing parts of the brain actually counts as bad dental practice.
“The industry is evolving,” said Health Secretary Tom Wilkins. “Maybe people don’t need all of their brain. Have we considered that? We don’t want to stifle innovation.”
Meanwhile, Budget Smile Dental CEO Martin “Dr. Marty” Glensworth has defended his company’s practices, insisting that accidental lobotomies are just a small downside of everyday affordability.
“Look, mistakes happen,” said Glensworth, whose qualifications include a YouTube Masterclass in Tooth Stuff and “a general understanding of how mouths work.” “If you wanted all your neurons, you should have gone to an expensive dentist.”
New Clinic Offers “Premium” Option: Keeping Your Brain for an Extra Fee
In response to the controversy, Budget Smile Dental has introduced a new Premium Plan, which for an additional $29.99 per visit, guarantees that dentists will make an honest effort to avoid touching the brain.
However, critics argue this is just another corporate cash grab, forcing people to pay extra for what should be a basic expectation—like not accidentally waking up in 1850s medicine.
“It feels like a scam,” said former customer Carl Reyes, whose lower left molar was successfully removed—along with his ability to do long division. “But I guess at least I got a free toothbrush.”
Government to “Look Into It Sometime This Year”
Despite growing calls for action, officials remain undecided on whether they will actually do anything about it. A recent Congressional hearing on the matter ended after lawmakers became distracted by a PowerPoint slide titled ‘Loboto-MEGA-Savings!’
In the meantime, families are urging the public to read the fine print before booking an appointment, and to be wary of any dental clinic that advertises “50% Off Brain Adjacent Services.”
As for patients still seeking justice? Experts say they should file a complaint as soon as possible—before they forget how.
This is satire, of course. The real world is nothing like that…
But if you want to see how things actually work, here are some totally real, absolutely normal links that inspired this story:
1. Unlicensed Dental Practices Leading to Severe Harm: A 55-year-old New York woman, Yolany Y. Mejia Carranza, was arrested for allegedly posing as a dentist and performing complex dental procedures without a license, resulting in severe nerve damage and partial facial paralysis in at least one patient. She targeted uninsured and potentially undocumented individuals, operating an illegal dental office from her home. https://people.com/ny-woman-allegedly-pretended-to-be-a-dentist-caused-nerve-damage-and-facial-paralysis-on-patient-11697813
2. Dental Malpractice Resulting in Permanent Nerve Damage: A patient filed a lawsuit against a dentist and a dental practice, alleging that a wisdom tooth extraction caused nerve damage, leading to permanent pain and loss of sensation in the tongue. https://www.drbicuspid.com/dental-practice/legal-issues/malpractice/article/15678588/patient-sues-dentist-for-causing-permanent-nerve-damage
3. Consequences of Cheap Dental Procedures Abroad: Kim Edwards from Sydney spent over $100,000 to fix botched dental surgery she received in Turkey. Initially planning to get veneers abroad for $30,000, she encountered severe complications, including veneers falling out and infections. Local dentists in Sydney were reluctant to rectify the foreign work, but eventually, the Dental Boutique undertook the intricate correction, costing $80,000 and taking over 18 months. https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/beauty/cosmetic-surgery/sydney-woman-reveals-huge-issue-with-turkey-teeth/news-story/c0892ecbafd900e0bf9facab9dd48487
4. Dental Clinics Exploiting Vulnerable Populations: Small Smiles Dental Centers faced allegations of providing substandard care, particularly targeting children from low-income families. Investigations revealed that the clinics performed unnecessary procedures to maximize Medicaid reimbursements, leading to a $24 million settlement and eventual bankruptcy. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Small_Smiles_Dental_Centers
5. Dental Nerve Injury Lawsuit Settlements: A 21-year-old college student received a $54,000 settlement after sustaining nerve damage during a wisdom tooth extraction. The injury resulted in permanent numbness and altered sensation in the lower lip and chin. https://www.floridadentalmalpractice.com/cases/nerve-injury-cases/
6. Challenges in Accessing Affordable Dental Care: Millions in England are struggling to access NHS dental care, with only about 18 million people able to secure appointments, leaving many in “dental deserts.” Regions like North Kesteven and Breckland have the lowest access rates, with less than 20% of adults having seen a dentist in the past two years. https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/do-you-live-in-a-dental-desert-care-is-out-of-reach-for-millions-0662z88g7
