Hollywood’s Best-Kept Secret… Until It Wasn’t
For years, celebrities had a secret weapon against weight gain—a diet so extreme, so utterly deranged, that even the most hardcore wellness grifters kept it hush-hush. Forget juice cleanses, forget keto, forget Ozempic—the Colostomy Bagel™ was the ultimate, effortless solution.
Marketed as “the only diet where calories never count,” this revolutionary weight-loss aid bypassed digestion entirely. Eat whatever you wanted, and instead of absorbing nutrients, your body rerouted everything straight into an external colostomy bag. No calories, no weight gain—just pure, unfiltered emptiness.
For a while, it was the most elite diet trend in Hollywood—until the photos leaked.
The Man Behind the Madness: Dr. Bendal Procktaker-Thangston
At the heart of the Colostomy Bagel™ empire was a man shrouded in mystery: Dr. Bendal Procktaker-Thangston—a self-proclaimed “gastrointestinal visionary” whose medical credentials were as questionable as his ethics.
Nobody knows where he got his degree (he claimed it was from the ‘University of Higher Biological Ascension,’ a school that does not appear to exist). His entire medical career seemed to have materialized out of thin air, much like his curiously vague tax records.
What is known is that his first four wives vanished under extremely unusual circumstances, with some reports claiming they had all “moved to an isolated wellness retreat” (that was later revealed to be an abandoned gas station in New Mexico).
When questioned about these disappearances, Procktaker-Thangston laughed for a full 13 seconds before responding, “People come and go, much like nutrients in my revolutionary digestive-free lifestyle.”
Instead of raising red flags, his cult-like followers only became more devoted, heralding him as a prophet of weight-loss innovation.
The Rise: How It Became an A-List Obsession
The Colostomy Bagel™ wasn’t something you could just buy at Whole Foods. No, this was underground, whispered about in Beverly Hills clinics, exclusive private wellness retreats, and top-tier plastic surgery circles. If you were lucky enough to get in on it, you were guaranteed to stay impossibly thin—because your body would never digest food again.
🗣️“I ate a whole pizza, and it never touched my thighs! Colostomy Bagel™ changed my life!” — Supermodel, Age 23 but looks 17
🗣️“I was sick of dieting, so I just rerouted my entire digestive system! Life-changing.” — Oscar-Nominated Actress, Name Redacted
🗣️“Why stop at Ozempic when you can just… bypass digestion entirely?”— Tech Billionaire With a Suspicious Glow
The results? Dramatic. Instant. Terrifyingly effective.
But then, something changed.
The Breaking Point: The Photos That Exposed the Truth
The turning point came when disturbing photos leaked online, showing an emaciated Tregan Follock and Biston Cardwelling, two A-list stars who had reportedly gone into hiding.
Follock, once a red-carpet icon, now looked skeletal, barely able to stand in paparazzi shots. Cardwelling—known for his effortless leading-man charm—was unrecognizable, his face sunken and his eyes hollowed-out voids of regret.
Even animals weren’t safe.
📸 Crendle Spivok, the celebrity dog beloved for his luxury pet fashion collabs, was photographed looking on the verge of death. The once-fluffy, pampered pooch was reduced to fur and sorrow, sparking outrage among fans.
🚨“WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO CRENDLE???” trended worldwide.
The leaked images shattered the illusion. This wasn’t just a quirky new diet—this was medical horror in real-time.
The Fall: The Talk Show Incident That Ended It All
The final nail in the coffin came on live television.
A well-known actress (whose name we legally can’t print) was promoting her upcoming superhero film when, mid-interview, her colostomy bag detached.
📺 LIVE BROADCAST. PRIME TIME. EVERYONE SAW.
The footage went viral in seconds. The memes were merciless.
By the end of the week:
🚫 Colostomy Bagel™ was pulled from every luxury wellness clinic.
🚫 Every celebrity unfollowed the brand overnight.
🚫 Fake “I NEVER ENDORSED THIS” statements flooded Instagram.
One month later? The company behind Colostomy Bagel™ filed for bankruptcy.
And Dr. Procktaker-Thangston? Vanished without a trace—some say he fled the country, others claim he’s hiding in a bunker, developing his next great medical breakthrough (rumored to be a weight-loss implant called “The Tummy Tapeworm”).
Where Are They Now?
The former CEO of Colostomy Bagel™ is currently under investigation for medical fraud.
A few influencers tried rebranding it as a “gut health” solution, but the damage was done.
The luxury colostomy bag market collapsed overnight—not even Balenciaga could make it cool again.
And the celebrities? They moved on to the next big thing.
Rumor has it they’re all on something even more insane now—but that’s Hollywood’s next best-kept secret.
Final Thoughts: What We Learned From the Colostomy Bagel™ Era
✅ Celebrities will do anything to stay thin.
✅ People will buy literally anything if a reality star endorses it.
✅ Your intestines actually serve a purpose. Who knew?
So, what’s next in the world of unhinged weight-loss trends? Only time (and the next lawsuit) will tell.
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