Trump Announces ‘Tremendous’ Fragrance Line to Encourage Peace and Raise Funds at White House Briefing

In a bizarre and entirely unexpected move, former President Donald Trump has unveiled two new fragrances inspired by the ongoing war in Ukraine, claiming they will “bring peace through commerce” and “raise much-needed funds” for… well, himself, presumably.

As cameras flashed, Trump stood at the White House press podium, gesturing toward a large promotional screen behind him. Displayed in bold gold lettering were the words:

“TRUMP: Exclusive New Fragrances for Men and Women.”

Beside the text were two garishly extravagant perfume bottles:

• Ukraine: Smell of War (Eau de Cologne) – A fiery, bold scent, unstoppable and full of intensity, adorned with flames and a dramatic skull emblem.

• Russia: Smell of Reluctance (Eau de Parfum) – A heavier, lingering, hesitant aroma, decorated with pearls and a somber, uncertain expression.

“These are tremendous, tremendous scents,” Trump announced, nodding at the display. “Very classy. Very powerful. Nobody has ever made war smell this good before.”

“Nobody Profits From War Better Than Me”

“Folks, war stinks,” Trump told the room of visibly confused reporters. “And I’m fixing it. Tremendous fragrances, believe me. The best. Smell of War—very powerful. Smells like winning. Smells like victory. And we love winning, don’t we?”

He pointed to the second bottle. “Then we have Smell of Reluctance. It’s softer. Less dominant. More… hesitant. Because, frankly, Russia? They’re reluctant. They don’t want to be in this war. They don’t. But now they smell fantastic, so maybe they’ll do better.”

When a reporter asked what the scents actually smelled like, Trump waved his hand dismissively.

“Listen, I don’t know. I don’t wear cologne. I naturally smell like success. But people tell me—great people, smart people—they say, ‘Sir, these are better than Chanel, better than Dior.’ And I believe them. I really do.”

The Business Model: A Win-Win-Win (for Trump)

Trump insisted that a portion of proceeds would go toward “the war effort”, though details were vague.

“We’re giving 0.0001% of every sale to someone, probably Ukraine. Or maybe Russia. We’ll see what happens.”

The first 500 bottles, he announced, would be sold exclusively at Trump Tower gift shops, Mar-a-Lago, and select Walmarts, with a limited-edition Ivanka-signed version for $999.

“People say I should get a Nobel Peace Prize,” Trump added, nodding solemnly. “Maybe this is it.”

Backlash and Confusion

Reaction was swift. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky called the announcement “insulting”, while Vladimir Putin reportedly smirked and said nothing before disappearing into an underground bunker.

Fragrance experts were skeptical. One perfumer described Smell of War as “an aggressive blend of burning rubber, cigar smoke, and regret”, while Smell of Reluctance allegedly had “hints of vodka, cold sweat, and an eerie sense of doom.”

Still, Trump remained confident. “This is what leadership looks like,” he declared, spraying himself liberally with Smell of War.

Seconds later, several reporters fled the room gagging.

This is satire, of course. The real world is nothing like that…

But if you want to see how things actually work, here are some totally real, absolutely normal links that inspired this story:

Trump’s Fragrance Line: President-elect Donald Trump launched a new fragrance collection called “Fight, Fight, Fight,” embodying strength and victory.  El País+8https://www.live5news.com+8https://www.kgns.tv+8

Defense Industry Profits: The world’s top 100 arms and military services companies saw revenues totaling $632 billion in 2023, a 4.2% increase over the prior year, driven by conflicts like the Ukraine war.  Analyst News+2Responsible Statecraft+2The Times of India+2