In a sweeping linguistic cost-cutting measure, President Trump has signed an executive order banning what he calls “big, weird, and hard-to-read words” from all government use.
“Too many long words. Too much paper. Big waste,” Trump declared. “Less words, less paper. Smaller dictionaries. Massive savings. Tremendous idea.”
The new rules prohibit words longer than seven letters, anything he doesn’t personally understand, and anything “that sounds French or snooty.” Early banned terms include infrastructure, nuance, empathy, and croissant.
“If a six-year-old can’t understand it, then it’s gotta go,” Trump said. “We’re bringing back strong American words like hat, truck, and me.”
In a joint move, the administration also removed all tariffs on imported jumbo marker pens. “The kind that smell fruity,” Trump said. “Those are my favourite. I couldn’t run the country without those. I like to doodle—I’m very good at doodling.”
Critics, including nearly every educator and linguist alive, have called the order “functionally illiterate,” but Trump dismissed them as “wordy nerds.”
Sources say a new simplified dictionary is in the works, titled The Trump Wordbook, containing “only the best words—simple, sexy words people actually use.”
When asked how enforcement would work, Trump explained: “We’ll build a wall around the long words. Keep them out. No more long words. Just the great ones. Believe me.”
This is satire, of course. The real world is nothing like that…
Except, somehow, it is. In a move that might make The Trump Wordbook a required text, President Trump has just signed an order to dismantle the U.S. Department of Education—a decision critics say will gut federal oversight of public schools and hand control over to state-level politicians.
For those who enjoy reading things longer than seven letters, here’s the real story:
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/mar/20/trump-executive-order-education-department
A Fine Selection of Satirical Amuse-Bouches:
Fast Food Giant Acquires Company That Turns Fecal Matter into Beef Patties
Global Retail Work Reclassified as Modern Slavery: A Wake-Up Call for Employers
Time Travel Researchers Stunned as Glasses Materialize in Lab, Solving Two Historic Mysteries
Man Branded “Snowflake” After Complaining Online About Surgeon Who Removed Wrong Leg
