The Department of Homeland Security has unveiled a bold new deportation initiative, targeting individuals who happen to resemble one of four officially designated “suspicious archetypes.” The program, dubbed Operation Gut Feeling, was introduced to “streamline national security efforts” by expelling people based purely on their vibes.
According to leaked documents, the four archetypes—compiled by an unnamed government official with “a strong gut instinct”—include:
1. The Bearded Philosophy Major – Anyone with a scruffy beard and glasses who appears to be contemplating something unsettling, like late-stage capitalism or the true nature of freedom. Authorities say these individuals “pose an existential threat to the American way of life.”
2. The Shady Guy Who’s Always Sweating – This includes men of any ethnicity who look like they “know something they shouldn’t,” especially if they frequently glance over their shoulder, fidget, or wear a trench coat indoors.
3. The Foreign-Looking Hipster Who Might Be French – If you wear a beret, striped shirts, or have a vaguely European accent, border patrol agents are authorized to ask, “Are you French?” three times before immediate deportation.
4. The Woman Who Looks Like She’s Planning to Yell at a Manager – Middle-aged white women with the “Karen” haircut are deemed a “Class 3 security threat,” though enforcement has been inconsistent, with officers reportedly afraid of the inevitable backlash.
While critics argue that the policy is unconstitutional, supporters claim that “it just makes sense,” citing gut instinct as “America’s most powerful security tool.”
When reached for comment, a DHS spokesperson stated, “We don’t have time for background checks. If you look a little too French or like you might have opinions on ethics, you gotta go.”
Meanwhile, civil rights groups are scrambling to assist those affected, advising Americans to “neutralize their appearance” by adopting a bland, corporate aesthetic. Early reports suggest this may result in a nationwide shortage of khakis and golf shirts.
This is satire, of course. The real world is nothing like that…
But if you want to see how things actually work, here are some totally real, absolutely normal links that inspired this story:
- Controlled Application Review and Resolution Program (CARRP): Established in 2008, CARRP is a USCIS policy designed to prevent individuals deemed a national security concern from obtaining immigration benefits. Critics argue that it disproportionately targets applicants from Arab, Middle Eastern, Muslim, and South Asian communities, leading to prolonged application delays without clear explanations. Wikipedia
- Family Separation Policy: In 2018, the Trump administration implemented a “zero tolerance” policy resulting in the separation of thousands of migrant children from their parents at the U.S.-Mexico border. This policy faced widespread condemnation for its humanitarian impact and was criticized as a deterrent strategy targeting specific migrant groups. Wikipedia
- Invoking the Alien Enemies Act: In recent years, the Alien Enemies Act of 1798 has been invoked to facilitate mass detentions and deportations of non-citizens, particularly targeting groups labeled as security threats without due process. This act, historically associated with wartime actions, has been criticized for enabling human rights violations. People.com
- State-Level “Alien Land Laws”: Several U.S. states have enacted laws restricting land ownership by foreign nationals, particularly targeting individuals from specific countries like China. These measures have raised concerns about racial discrimination and have led some affected citizens to reassess their political affiliations. AP News
These examples highlight ongoing debates about the balance between national security and civil liberties, and the potential for certain policies to disproportionately affect specific demographic groups.
Recent Developments in U.S. Immigration Policies
They Thought They Came to the U.S. Legally. Now They’re at Risk for Deportation.
People.comDonald Trump Invokes Controversial 1700s Wartime Law Used to Justify Japanese Internment Camps2 days agoAP NewsState alien land laws drive some China-born US citizens to rethink their politics
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